MR President, I am so disappointed in you. I guess it’s a case of who readily believes, will be readily disappointed. I am my own worst enemy. I threw my weight behind you in the vain hope that you would have set the political scene on fire by now. If you prefer, I had hoped that you would have short-circuited uBaba’s long-looming political Waterloo faster than the FBI paying a courtesy visit to Ace Magashule’s former PA. I admit I was wrong. The Ramaphosa administration is a huge let-down. Okay, let’s extend that to the whole Ramaphosa clan.

Unlike uBaba, you don’t have a presidential whip. You are not a hit maker, in short, you don’t even sing your way through trouble while entertaining us all. Your presidential acting is as terrible, if not worse, than that of the former South African Airways board member

Yakhe Kwinana.

Let me illustrate. It has been a week since Zuma Jnr, “Duduzane Gupta-Zuma”, uBaba’s favourite if not the prodigal son, let the proverbial cat out of the bag when he announced his next big move, which is to have his face on the ballot paper come 2024. True to form, he didn’t just convene a press briefing like some run-of-the-mill politicians do, no, not Duduzane Gupta-Zuma. Instead, he undertook a media tour across the land. He hopped from one newsroom to the next at the speed of the Guptas landing at the Waterkloof Air Force Base during uBaba’s reign of error.

Since Zuma Jnr’s big announcement, we have heard nothing from the Ramaphosas, not even a whisper. Where is your Bosasa-loving son, Mr President? Yes, I am talking about Ramaphosa’s son Andile. He is allegedly the Ramaphosa clan’s answer to Zuma Jnr.

Mr President, the fact that your son Andile had his fingers burned in the Bosasa kitchen qualifies him as a strong opponent to the curry munching Zuma Jnr.

Pardon me, but I hope the young lad doesn’t have a weak spine and fragile heart like his father. If that’s the case, then asikho ndawo bakithi.

Sadly, this is not the first time that the Ramaphosas have failed us. When Zooming with the Zumas (reality You-Tube show featuring uBaba and his favourite son) trended on Twitter and elsewhere, there was no rejoinder from the Ramaphosa clan.

The navel-gazing, conflict-averse business of the Ramaphosa clan is an exercise in futility. Perhaps it means you are nothing but political pipsqueaks, to use a phrase made famous by Prince Mangosuthu Buthelezi. This country needs more of the Zumas’ high-stakes political manoeuvres than Ramaphosa’s feeble jump. I am convinced that the Ramaphosas suffer from a severe bout of Adult Selective Mutism. Mr President, for the sake of the country, please find the courage and pick a fight with the Zumas.

Mr President, even your wife, our first lady, is mute. She is invisible. uBaba’s wives are a busy lot, if not allegedly poisoning him, they demand spousal and child maintenance in the courts. At some point, uBaba and Thobeka Madiba-Zuma once trended on social media for playing footsie to shake off a terrible bout of the flu. Even MaKhumalo, the matriarch of the Zuma clan, has a tuckshop with the market capitalisation of R1 million, the first in the world. I am told that plans to list MaKhumalo’s tuckshop on the Johannesburg Stock Exchange are at an advanced stage.

Mr President, I accept that it is possible to marry the wrong girl, it happens to the best of us (look at me), but you can’t sire a wrong son. That is totally beyond comprehension.

I thought your wife was a Motsepe, part of the family of the U.S. dollar billionaire guy, Patrice. Yes, the Donald Trump-loving one.

If I am right, then she must learn from her sister (Bridgette Motsepe-Radebe) and cause a local storm by announcing her presidential candidature for the 2024 national elections. As we recall, Bridgette Motsepe-Radebe caused a diplomatic incident between South Africa and Botswana after she was accused of money laundering through Botswana’s financial system. Strangely, the figure of $10 billion that was touted is more than the sum total of money held by Botswana’s Reserve Bank. But at least she has given us some drama.

Mr President, in politics you must always have an Ace up your sleeve (pun intended), or up the ante, as it were. If you don’t have sons with iron spines like the children of uBaba, then let your wife pull the Dr Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma political trump card out of her bra.

Mr President, give us hope, peace and economic growth, if not, at least some drama. We deserve that much as a country. Till next week my man. “Send me.”

This Letter to Mahlamba Ndlopfu is written by Bhekisisa Mncube, a former senior Witness political journalist and author of The Love Diary of a Zulu Boy. This opinion piece was first published in the Witness (News24).